


All I want

by MellowJam



Category: Preacher (Comics), Preacher (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Cassidy is fucked up, Cassidy is stupidly in love, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, jesse doesn't believe in soulmates anymore, maybe smut later, they both fall in love 'cause they're morons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-08
Updated: 2016-07-20
Packaged: 2018-07-22 09:26:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7429509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MellowJam/pseuds/MellowJam
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cassidy has "Jesse Custer" marked on his hip for way too long.  Jesse has mutilated "Proinsias Cassidy" out of his life when he met Tulip.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. For way too long.

**Author's Note:**

> He-Ya, the first soulmates AU in this Fandom /o/ Don't be too harsh on me, English is not my first language :)

When he was still a kid, Cassidy used to brag a lot about the name tattooed on his hip. How the neat writing in black ink contrasted with his skin, and how it followed the bones like it was incrusted in his very flesh. Jesse Custer was a nice name, he thought. Jesse Custer-Cassidy sounded good too. He loved his Mark; how the “J” had a pretty and unnecessary loop, how it was harmonious and how the letters worked together to form the name of his soulmate. His brother could testify – there wasn’t a day he didn’t think about Jesse. He whispered the name at night, stupid grin plastered on his face, hand retracing the letters he knew by heart until his brother told him to ‘shut the hell up and get some sleep.’ Even then, he couldn’t stop his imagination to work. Sometimes he pictured Jesse with long black hair and small tits, feminine curves and bright smile. Sometimes it was with big blue eyes and flat belly, stubble on his cheeks. He fucked easy girls sighing Jesse’s name against their skin. He loved his soulmate so fucking much, like it was his predefined setting. Even when the civil war came, he couldn’t stop hoping. “ _Don’t do stupid thangs Proinsias, it’ll get ye killed_ !” his brother said. “ _But I can’t die, I’ven’t met me soulmate yet_ ” he always answered. Oh did he feel invincible with the name on his skin.

But then things got heated. His brother always’d been a nervous one, and one day the corpses of his comrades became too much to count and bear. And so they escaped. It was alright with Cass, ‘cause if it was his destiny to do so, then Jesse would always be at the end of the line. He was a deserter alright, but sure Jesse wouldn’t mind. He was his soulmate after all. Jesse could be a mass murderer for all he knew, Cassidy didn’t give much of a fuck.

But then this fucking vampire bit him and his life went to hell. Jesse Custer became a mockery. Years passed and his fantasy grew old. Jesse didn’t have beautiful eyes and round cheeks anymore; they were old and ugly, slowly dying while he stayed young and hungry. He hated the thought of his soulmate running to death while Cassidy was too much of a coward to confront the sunlight and burn away at the same time as his mark. He fled to the USA, ‘Promised Land’ and all that shit.

When he was ninety five, he mourned his soulmate with a nose full of powder and a syringe in his arm.

Sometimes the mark was too heavy to bear and he burned it away, relieved for a few hours until it reappeared on his healing skin. This vampire stuff was shit. It took away his soulmate but it kept reminding him of what he had lost, of what he couldn’t get. Jesse wasn’t whispered in the dark anymore, and when it was, it was with tears drowning his smile.

 

* * *

 

 

Jesse was very proud of his mark when he was younger. It was unique; the kind of name you didn’t see every day. No John Smith or Jane Doe inked on his arm. His was Proinsias Cassidy. Now, he didn’t have a fucking clue on how it was pronounced, but he liked to try it. He made it roll on his tongue, wondering how it would sound once his soulmate introduced himself. Maybe he was from some exotic country, on this other side of the globe. Maybe he was an adventurer, full of stories about lands far from Texas , where the jungle was eaten by civilization and where they chased tigers and not coyotes. Jesse was curious about Proinsias and his father let him despite his severe education. Soulmates were a gift of God after all.

He was twelve when he started hiding it. Kids were cruel and the tiny letters scribbled on his arm were easy to pick up onto. It was okay though. Jesse still loved it and the other children didn’t need to know what name was hiding under the bandage. Every evening, he took it off and apologized to Proinsias. He whispered promises to his mark, swearing he wasn’t ashamed of him but that he didn’t want other kids to mock his soulmate. Proinsias was a nice name, like some pagan deity right out of a history book. His father wouldn’t like the comparison, but he could kiss his ass as far as Jesse was concerned.

Then there was Tulip. Little queen coming out of nowhere, beautiful and severe, so fucking strong and loveable. Jesse fell hard and Proinsias wasn’t the name on his lips anymore. Maybe God got things messed up. Maybe He assigned him a mark that wasn’t his destiny. Sometimes, Jesse hoped to see the scrawl on his arm replaced by Tulip’s round letters. Proinsias hadn’t been here when he needed it. It was Tulip who would take care of his wounds, who would cajole him and tell him she loved him. Jesse was convinced she was his soulmate, because he didn’t know how he could love someone more than he already loved Tulip.

He never had a look on Tulip’s name. It was nothing but a burned souvenir on her shoulder, the trace of a simple “E” staining her skin. He kissed the scars away the first time they made love, and drew his signature with a black marker instead.

Two years later, when they were still high on adrenaline from their first contract, they crossed Proinsias’ name with a knife and he got tattooed a tulip on his back.

Proinsias Cassidy was hidden under a white scar, like a big ‘fuck you’ to destiny.

 

* * *

 

 

Cassidy had lost hope to meet his soulmate long ass fucking time ago. The name on his hip was probably dead, buried somewhere on the other side of the ocean. Time taught him to deal with it; drugs only made the pain duller. Everything was okay. He had other shit to think, like how to escape the vampire hunters on his ass or how to survive the fall of a few miles with only a cow for dinner. Even figuring out where he was happened to be a challenge. He had guessed ‘somewhere in the deep end of Shithole, Texas’ by the Holy Crosses hang on every doorstep of every house in this God forbidden town, but that was about it. Going to the Man of God sited on the counter of the bar had been the less logical thing to do, but Cassidy wasn’t the most logical man -monster- on this planet. He got nothing out of the preacher except for the direction to the nearest telephone. Enough to make the phone call that learned him that he was well and truly fucked. But worst, stuck in this lost ass town in the middle of the American desert.

 

* * *

 

 

Jesse was supposed to have renounced to violence, put the unholy life he had led for too long behind him for the greater good. He had taken the place of his father as Annville’s preacher. But that didn’t mean he couldn’t get drunk in the local bar. Alcohol and Jesse Custer wasn’t a very good mix, though it happened often enough. Alcohol, Jesse Custer and gratuitous violence was an even worse mix. And he had promised Donnie a bunny noise after all. It wasn’t his fault if the man couldn’t take a hint and had thrown himself in a lost fight. It wasn’t his fault either if half of the town happened to be here to hear Donnie squeak like a rabbit. Poor Donnie; Wiping Quincannon’s ass was going to be much more difficult with only one hand.

 

* * *

 

Cassidy had always been a trouble magnet, and honestly the preacher sitting next to him seemed to be trouble. He didn’t really know why he had taken part in the fight, but seeing the wannabe thug running at the man had awoken a need to interfere strong enough to make him kick the stool and knock the aggressor out. It wasn’t really fair for him to be in this fuckin’ cell but Cassidy was used to unfair. You didn’t live one hundred and nineteen years without running to unfairness in your everyday life. And he had known worse cages than this one.

Cassidy wasn’t good at staying silent. And so he talked. He babbled about shit with his cellmate, and it was the easiest thing and yet the hardest he ever did. Talking to the preacher was natural but wrong. It wasn’t an easy feeling; like something awakening inside of him. And fuck, his old sig’ was burning hard on his hip. They talked about promises, and how Cassidy thought they were ‘ _nasty little things’_. How Padre thought they were “ _currency of faith_ ” – that actually made Cassidy cringe because promises were bullshit. He had a promise tattooed on his skin for one hundred years and it gave him the finger everytime he thought about it.

 

“ _Take me for example right? I have zero hope in this world mate. And I’m bloody fantastic_.” Lies. “ _Really, I am.”_

 

Fucking liar.

He forced a smile, crooked teeth in display. His hand found the Name on his hip, lump in his throat when the officer came to get the Padre out of here. The collar didn’t belong in jail, right? Why was he so fucking distressed to the idea of the man leaving?

He jumped on his feet when the man thanked him again. Cassidy shrugged it off like it wasn’t big of a deal. It really wasn’t, but the thanks were welcome. Cassidy didn’t receive them very often.

 

“ _Jesse Custer_.” The man said. And if it wasn’t the most beautiful thing Cassidy had ever heard.

 

He gasped, the lump suddenly coming out as a sob. Because that was what it was all about; that was the Jesse he had waited all his life and he was a Preacher in Ann-fucking-ville, Texas. He shook the offered hand with a strong grip – maybe too strong, but fuck, he had found his soulmate and he didn’t want to let him go. Jesse Custer wasn’t old or dead in the UK. Jesse Custer wasn’t a mockery or a taunt of God. Jesse Custer was in front of him, a beautiful disaster with a swollen lip and a bright smile, smelling whisky, dust and sun, and suddenly Cassidy was aware of everything about him. How his hair seemed to be going everywhere at once. How dark his eyes were and how a dimple appeared on the corner of his mouth when he smiled.

 

“ _Cassidy_.” He gulped and smiled and sobbed all at once. “ _Proinsias_.”


	2. Name our love

Jesse had spent a lot of time trying different pronunciations for ‘Proinsias’ when he was a kid. Did the –s at the end whistled? Was the –I silent, like some sort of fucked up vowel ? It was frustrating, not knowing how to call your soulmate.

Hearing it right for the first time made his knees weak and his breath short as he tightened his grip on Proinsias’ – his soulmate’s – hand. Suddenly he couldn’t speak.

He always told himself he didn’t care much for Destiny, for the so-called separation of twin souls supposed to be reunited to heaven. But this- this felt like home. And it was scary. And suddenly Jesse was ashamed because his name wasn’t there anymore. His name was black dots on a white skin, hidden under a thick scar.

He was an idiot.

His heart clenched when Proinsias raised his ragged shirt to show him the perfectly preserved sig on his hip, happy as a child. Jesse didn’t have anything left to show him back except for a mistake. So he fled; because it was the only think he could do and because he was a coward. And Proinsias was trapped again, rejection and pain painted all over his face.

Once he was out, Jesse threw up in front of the Sheriff’s office, Emily patting his back and forcing a bottle of water on him like he was some sick child. No one talked on the way back, but he could tell she disapproved of his behaviour. And even though she surely targeted his drinking and the fight from earlier, that didn’t make Jesse feel better about Proinsias, his soulmate he rejected and left rotting in jail.

Emily dropped him off in front of the church with a calm yet cold scowling. She was tired of him, even he could tell, but she must have noticed the way he kept caressing the old scar on his bare arm because she quickly gave up on her admonition and told him to get some sleep.

 

* * *

 

People could tell a lot of bad things about Cassidy, but he wasn’t a quitter. Well, maybe he was, but not when it concerned his soulmate. Not after one hundred and four years of wait.

It didn’t take him long to find the local church, and by extension the preacher himself. Rejection was alright, he had experienced it more than once. Jesse’s rejection had been painful but manageable. ‘Soulmates’ were a strong concept often associated with non-platonic love; that would have scared anyone off. Cassidy knew that first hand because he was fucking terrified too. And so he decided to act like he would have acted if Jesse Custer wasn’t the name on his hip – He welcomed back the man with a bottle in hand, a lazy joke on his lips and his heart skipped a beat when he was answered with a smile.

They talked a lot this evening. Drunk conversations against the mouth of a shared bottle and nervous glares on Cassidy’s hip. Jesse was clearly uncomfortable about the soulmate situation so they didn’t talk about it. They should have, but they were too drunk and too scared and both stupid cowards – Cassidy was too happy to be allowed around Jesse to risk it by saying something that wasn’t welcomed. If Jesse wanted to talk about it, then he would.

Instead they talked about how ‘The Big Lebowski' was overrated, how boring was the worst and how they thought about the Man Up There – and fuck did they disagreed on tons of things. But Cassidy fell harder at every frown on Jesse’s face, every tired laugh or drunken slur.

‘ _I’m in deep, Padre’_ he said when Jesse finally collapsed, snoring slightly and breath full of alcohol.

 

* * *

 

After the attack of the chainsaw guys, Cassidy took special care of watching over Jesse. He was almost sure they were vampire hunters and he couldn’t risk Jesse’s life because he was too sloppy to correctly erase his tracks. He stuck to his side, letting him use as guinea pig for his new power – which was awesome by the way, but Cassidy was too old to be surprised by anything anymore. He tried his best to reassure his doubting soulmate, smiling but not touching though he ached to do so. He wanted nothing more than to simply hold Jesse there and shush the fear away.

They stopped their testing when Jesse sent him fly against the wall and Cassidy couldn’t help but think that it was too bad to end it so soon.

 

* * *

 

 

Acceptance of the situation was hard for Jesse, especially with Cassidy so pliable to his cowardice. They avoided the subject of soulmates and faked their own world without sig on their skin. He convinced himself that it was alright, that the situation was satisfying. Truth was he was frustrated as hell. Cassidy just took anything Jesse had to give including his anger and seemed to be happy with that, but the way he kept unconsciously rubbing his mark set Jesse’s nerves on fire.

One day, when alcohol had given him enough courage – or stupidity, he wasn’t sure yet- he had shown his scarred mark to Cassidy. The man had smiled, assuring he understood and that it was alright, but the pained look in his eyes had been revealing enough.

He had whispered an apology on Cassidy cheek and kissed the corner of his mouth before running off again.

 

* * *

 

 

Surprisingly, things didn’t get awkward after the shy kiss he had given to Cassidy. They still shared bottles and drunk evenings, secrets and memories whispered in the dark only interrupted by –manly- giggles. The kiss had happened and that was it.

He was kind of disappointed.

And so one day he grew a pair and just before alcohol benumbed his thoughts, he asked Cassidy to kiss him again. That Irish bastard was on him faster than a speeding ticket and Jesse couldn’t help but laugh against his mouth.

It was simple, it was nice and Cassidy tasted like copper and wine.

 

* * *

 

Cassidy missed Jesse’s mark. When he knew the preacher wasn’t looking, he stared at the scar on his arm, hoping he’d blink and the nasty little thing would be replaced by his name. He couldn’t be angry at Jesse though: he had done the same to his own mark, the only exception being that his always grew back, black and deep on his flesh.

Jesse though – Oh Jesse loved to see his name on Cassidy. Every evening he took the time to lick and kiss it, devilish smile on his lips. This man wasn’t holy at all. This man possessed and fucked and worshipped Cassidy’s body like he was some pagan idol.

Cassidy loved it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all of you nice comments ;-; I didn't expect this thing to have any success actually lmao. So thank you ! :D  
> This chapter is shorter than the first one, but I felt like Cass and Jess would easily fall for each other haha I hope you like it anyway.  
> I'll probably make this a serie of drabbles about Cass and Jesse being stupidly in love and perfect soulmates for each other ?? Idk guys, would you like that ? (don't be disappointed pls ): ) I just don't feel like relating a story that's so obvious, I just want them to have nice moments and some love :D  
> Also, Tulip and her soulmate coming soon ! hoho


	3. I let you burn

Jesse didn't move. He couldn't stop staring helplessly at Cassidy burning under the unforgiving sun. He wasn't able to do shit but watch the name on Cassidy’s hip – his name – disappear under the flames. His soulmate was dying in front of his eyes, and yet he didn’t move. He didn’t want to. His soulmate, the person who was supposed to complete him, wasn’t even human. Cassidy was a monster and so he had to burn.

Yet.

Yet everything had felt so real. Cassidy’s smile, their kisses, their promises. Everything had felt so real, and now it was becoming nothing more than ashes.

He couldn’t let this happen. He had to-

_« Will you let me burn too ? »_

Oh Cassidy.

 

* * *

 

Sometimes Cassidy wished he could simply forget.

Forget the way he had seen his friends die of old age while he stagnated on his twenties. Forget how much he missed his homeland and his family. Forget his addictions and the way drugs made him act. But most of all, he wanted to forget the look of distress and disgust on Jesse’s face when Cassidy had revealed his true nature.

He would have given anything for another chance with his preacher but he had fucked up, once again.

At least he wasn’t alone. At least Tulip was here to care – because she did, didn’t she? She wouldn’t have dragged his rotting flesh back at her place if she didn’t. Yeah. He was going to be fine.

 

\+ + + +

 

Hunger made everything duller. Cassidy hated that sensation of helplessness and dissatisfaction that settled into his stomach when he drank dry any animal Tulip threw into his room. Healing was slow when you didn’t have the good ingredients, and Cassidy couldn’t wait to leave this god damned city once and for all. He didn’t give the hunters a shite anymore – if they wanted him so bad, they simply had to come and try.

But for now – for now he was feral. Dangerous and only half healed, so hungry for human blood that every nights he had to fight the need to rip off Tulip’s or her uncle’s throat and drink it to the source. Though he knew he loved her too much to even try.

 

* * *

 

 

Jesse couldn’t stand the weight of his own sins anymore. He couldn’t stand the view of the scar on his arm that reminded him of what he had done- of whom he had killed. He had let Cassidy die in the sun and now he was left with only half a soul.

He didn’t let himself sober up for the whole week. Alcohol made it all duller and easier to accept – like a bad dream of which he would soon wake up with Cassidy’s arms thrown around his waist and their legs tangled.

Damn he missed it; their weird dynamic and the habits that had imposed themselves so easily. He missed his soulmate and he found that he didn’t give much of a fuck if Cassidy had fangs or could turn into a bat. He just wanted him back.

In the evening, when he couldn’t do anything but swallow his sobs, he climbed up in the attic and wrapped himself in the makeshift of a bed Cassidy used to sleep into before Jesse invited him to join him in his bed.

It didn’t help, but it was the only way he could sleep.

Fortunately, Quincannon and his minions were here to distract him in the morning.

 

\+ + + +

 

So, he was stuck with Genesis, had lost every hope to get Eugene back – though his soul/ghost/hallucination was here to encourage him to do something – and he was getting shot at by Quincannon’s employees. It wasn’t the weirdest day of his life, but it certainly had its place in the top three.

It would almost have amused him if he didn’t feel like someone had ripped his soul apart.

And then there was that last hope of changing Odin’s mind, and the fucking Meat God and Donnie, that son of a bitch who had deafened himself just to get out of Jesse’s influence. All this town was batshit crazy and he couldn’t help but laugh.

Fucking AnnVille.

He didn’t resist when the sheriff took him to the station, mocking the crowd outside instead. He ignored the worried looks of Root and simply rested his head against the windows, hoping that this was just all just a nightmare.

 

It was Tulip who got him out of cell.

Well, she went to him, punched him once or twice, kicked his balls so hard he couldn’t walk straight for the next hours, and then got him out. He would have asked if the last blow had been deserved but he knew it was. She didn’t know about Eugene, but he deserved it for Cassidy. Actually a single kick in the balls was a rather nice punishment.

But then again she probably thought he was enough in pain for now. She was nice like that, his Tulip.

She took him to her uncle’s house, offered him a beer that they drank in the backyard, and gave him the silence treatment for the next two hours. He considered leaving, but he didn’t want his balls kicked again.

Also his mark was itchy as fuck.

“You should get it redone.” she said, and he snapped his head up so fast that it made him dizzy. She was looking at his mark. He cracked a laugh, tired and painful. What the fuck was she playing at? She was the one who had handed the knife when he had scarred his mark in the first place – She was the one who had told him how stupid soulmates were and how they were better off choosing their own destiny.

“You know, get his name tattooed back over the scar. It’s the least you could do.”

He wasn’t aware his laugh had become sobs before he saw Tulip freeze, staring at him with wild eyes.

“Are you- Are you crying?” Her voice sounded suddenly hoarse and worried and- and yeah. Yeah he was. Shit.

“I- I miss him Tulip.” It was so hard to talk with that lump in his throat. “I miss him and I can’t get him back. I let him -”

The words died in his throat. He couldn’t help but stare helplessly at Tulip, expecting her to understand, do something about it – To fix it like she used to. Instead she looked confused and shocked. Jesse never cried- not since his father died. She had never seen him in this state and she just sat there, looking with incomprehension and defiance.

“Jesse what the fuck are you talking about?” she asked, and suddenly Jesse couldn’t stand it anymore. He jumped on his feet and scratched his mark like a possessed man, stomping in the middle of the backyard, eyes crazed and sweat making his hair stick to his forehead.

She was on him before he could do anything stupid.

“He’s here Jesse. Cassidy.” Jesse stopped scratching, blood under his nails. “He’s alive. You put him out of the sun, you remember?” What? He did? Fuck, he didn’t remember shit except for the awful smell and the fucking screams- “He’s doing fine. He just needs to heal and- and eat.”

He stopped twitching, eyes drawn by the bowl next to the entrance.

“ ’That why you got a dog ?”

 

* * *

 

The worse was the wait. Tulip had forbidden him to enter the room where Cassidy rested. He was convinced that even famished Cassidy wouldn’t hurt him, but apparently she didn’t share his conviction.

He didn’t object too much though, not knowing if he had the balls to face Cassidy after what had happened.

He stayed at the motel for a couple of days but it only made his doubts grow stronger. What if Cassidy was angry? He would have all the rights to be after all. Even before Cassidy had shown him his true nature he had behaved like an asshole, obsessed over God’s plans for him and not caring a bit for the people around him.

But he couldn’t stand the guilt anymore. With Eugene in hell and Cassidy forced to hide like a sick animal, he couldn’t stay put for any longer.

He drove back to Annville and parked in front of the O’Hare’s, breath shallow and hands shaking.

 

* * *

 

Of course she would have known that this soulmates thing would come back to bite their asses. Her mark wasn’t visible anymore, but even she had to face the consequences of their recklessness. Of course she could deal with it by her own – those two idiots there, they apparently couldn’t. Not that it was very surprising concerning Jesse.

And Cassidy – Well, Cassidy couldn’t deal with anything right now.

She wasn’t sure letting Jesse in was a good idea, but she was already surprised he had held on for almost seventy four hours.

That didn’t stop her from keeping her gun close, just in case.

 

* * *

 

 

Jesse didn’t bother to knock before entering the room. It was pitch black but the smell was enough of a clue for him to guess what had happened here. He tried not the stumble over a carcass when he made his way to the bed.

Sudden movements in the corner of the room made him stop his progression. He had been convinced that Cassidy wouldn’t hurt him, but he wasn’t sure of anything anymore.

“Cass ?” he called, heart beating fast against his ribcage. A cough answered him, followed by a whimper. The lump in his throat was back. “Proinsias.”

There was nothing but silence for a long minute, but he was finally rewarded by a weak laugh.

“You really gotta to learn how to pronounce me name Padre.”

Jesse chocked down a cry of relief.

“Can I come closer?” he asked, almost shy.

“Not sure it’s a good idea Jess. You smell too fucking delicious.”

He smiled at that, standing there in the dark with a creature that could tear him apart in no time. Yet he wasn’t scared – at least not of being killed.

“I’m- I’m so sorry Cass … I-“ He had repeated this speech for two days in his motel room, but now he didn’t seem to be able to get it out. “I-I need you.” He begged instead.

There was silence again except for the sound of Cassidy’s ragged breathing and the beating of his heart against his temples.

“You’re such a mess Jesse.” Cass sighed and Jesse swore he could see teeth flashing in the dark.

He couldn’t help but weakly laugh. “Yeah. We’re supposed to complete each other after all, remember ?”

Cassidy didn’t respond but he could almost hear him smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is to be continued before they gotta hug it out, alright. Also I was having a lot of feels for Jesse so I wrote it mostly from his point of view. I hope you like it :)


End file.
